I’ve been on an offline hiatus – it’s been amazing. Yet here I am, online… writing this post… the irony. Maybe I should say, a Facebook/Instagram break.

Following on from some rather shitty abuse which I posted about, I decided to step back for a bit and reevaluate, refocus and take some time to remember why I am doing what I do. The message I posted was just a small taste of what I get. Currently I get about 1 per week, even more if something goes viral or international media sites like the daily mail pick it up. Don’t even get me started on stuff comments.

I’ve been told I shouldn’t have bred. That I am a terrible parent and that people feel sorry for my kids. I’ve been told to kill myself, that I am disgusting and a horrible person. That I post for validation or acceptance, like I really need approval from strangers but yeah. Thanks.

After a while, regardless of how strong you are, it starts to wear thing and if you’re like me and struggle with anxiety and/or depression, it does weigh on your mind after a while. You start to question the decisions you’ve made. Am I bad parent? How are Baxter & Lily going to feel about my blog in their older years? Is what I am doing wrong in some way?

After a lot of thought, I think they’ll be proud. Never once have I said anything bad about my children. I love them with all of my being and I would put them before myself any day.

Too many of us are consumed by the online world and the false personas people portray, which is why I’ve always been as real as possible. 

I don’t do what I do in order to seek validation from strangers. I set out to tell my story, share my journey and always be honest – regardless of how bad things got. For people to say that I am an attention-seeker genuinely hurts. I don’t have to share what I share, but I choose too. I’ve been vulnerable, I’ve bared it all. 

Since going offline, I’ve had a flurry of messages saying I have helped them in some way. My biggest problem is that when the going gets tough, I often forget about all the positive feedback I’ve had. I forget that I created a support group which has over 13,000 Mum’s in it, who have started an appreciation post in my absence (a friend screencapped and text it to me). Saying things like “come back, we need you”, “you/this group have got me through the dark days of being a new mum” and many more amazing more, positive words. I forget what I’ve achieved and don’t always realise the impact I’ve had on people, I get caught up by the negative comments and let them play on my mind.

I realise by putting out there it opens myself up more to this type of feedback. It is what it is and it says more about those people are their sad existence.

I now realise this, and I’m back bitches – and better than ever.

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K so, I’ve been extremely shit with keeping up the pregnancy updates with this second pregnancy. I wasn’t that great with Baxter either even though that was what started this blog off.

34 weeks and 2 days today, 5 weeks 5 days remaining. H O L Y – S H I T.

This pregnancy has gone insanely and I think a lot of that is due to the fact that life is simply so damn busy that I haven’t have time to clockwatch. Between working full time, the blog and a very active 18m old – time is not something I have a lot of.

My last update was 27 weeks, and it doesn’t feel like long ago that I sat down to write that. I summed a lot up in that last post about what’s been going on in our life, my fears and our current situation.

As this pregnancy draws closer by the day I cringe at how slack I’ve been this time around, it’s not a case of not caring, as above – lifes just been busy.

Shrimpy’s room isn’t ready yet, nowhere near but I am not in a panic yet as she will be in our room to start off with anyway. I have however sorted out the bassinet, washed all the sheets and its made and ready for the little lady’s arrival. My mum is amazing and washed her clothes in preparation so I just need to put them into her drawers.

I am yet to pack my hospital bag, that’s my plan for this afternoon. While I do this, I will be updating my Hospital Bag Essentials post and will be doing a new one with what I packed/took second time around. I am generally a really organised person, who has everything ready WELL before its needed ‘just in case’. So I am genuinely surprised at how chill I have been this time around.

I have to say, I’ve had a pretty bloody good run when it comes to the pregnancy itself. I haven’t had any morning sickness whatsoever (didn’t with Baxter either). As of late I’ve had a fair bit of pain in my back & hips but nothing I can’t handle. My heartburn has come back in full force in the final trimester and I am so uncomfortable that sleep is a distant memory. Either way, I am super excited to meet this wee poppet and I know Baxter is going to be the cutest with his little sister. He is such a gentle wee soul. We settled on a name and Baxter rips my top up to reveal my belly and yells her name – I melt.

I will aim to do 1-2 more updates before she comes and will of course blog about the birth as I did with Baxter and Reuben and I are still deciding whether or not we share some stuff on Snapchat (jezzbee) while I am in labour.

Chat soon x

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To the mum tapping her brakes at the lights, we’ve all been there.

To the mum struggling to carry her newborn while her toddler is having a tantrum, I feel for you.

To the mum rocking her shopping trolley while the person in front faffs about with no regard or awareness that your baby is about to go from 0-100 REAL quick.

To the mum feeding her baby in the cafe while her own meal goes cold, I don’t remember the last time I ate a full meal – uninterrupted. You’re a good mum and your child will one day thank you (maybe).

To the mum who hasn’t washed her hair in over a week, you rock that mum-bun.

To the mum persevering through the pain of breastfeeding in order to prove a point or to keep others happy, do what’s best for you. A happy mum is more useless than a broken one.

To the mum who isn’t sure if that stain on her pants is food or fecal matter, you rock on.

To the mum who’s stuck on the couch under a sleeping baby while your phone is out of reach, I feel you sister.

To the mum stuck in the car with a sleeping baby/toddler not knowing whether to risk the dreaded transition. Stay there, get your phone out and relax.

To the mum swaying side to side in the coffee line, I still do it 18 months on. I don’t think it ever stops.

To the mum reading this while gritting their teeth because there child won’t go to sleep – breeeeeathe.

To the mum hiding in the bathroom crying so she can get one moment’s peace, we’ve been there.

To the mum scared to feed their child formula because of fear of judgement, just do it. Happy mum = happy baby.

We’re in this together mamas! I salute you! Sometimes we just need to take a deep breath and realise this parenting gig is a tough one. We’re not alone and that there are SO many mums experiencing the same things as us each and every day but very few will openly admit it.

If you see a mama out in public, struggling, who could do with a helping hand or a hug. Reach out, you could make her day. You could be that one adult conversation she has been craving for all day.

You’re doing an amazing job, don’t question yourself mama. You’re doing just fine x

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Yesterday Reuben informed me that I’m a shouty mum. I honestly didn’t even realize until he said it. When Baxter isn’t listening, my immediate reaction is to raise my voice assuming that will get his attention. It doesn’t. He generally laughs at me now and to be frank, I’ve brought it on myself.

Seeing the bond that’s grown between Reuben and Baxter while I’ve been working has affected me more than I thought it would and more than I would ever openly admit (until now). Baxter will go to Reuben in a heartbeat instead of me. Is it because I sometimes raise my voice? Is it because I am not around as much as he is? Please note, I am in no way blaming Reuben for this. I am just aware of my feelings and some of the reasons I often feel the way I do.

So many things go through my mind like this. I know that so much of what we do now will shape their future and I have to say, I am scared. I don’t want Baxter to be scared of me because I raise my voice on occasion; sometimes it’s the only way I know how to deal with things? Being pregnant, working full time and dealing with work/life stress is really taking its toll on me and now being in the final trimester, I’m finding it extremely difficult to keep a lid on things.

Everybody always reassures you and says, “you’re the mum, he will ALWAYS love you”. I know. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt to see the bond that’s grown between them, while I am SO happy that they are like they are (it warms my heart) but it still hurts. I want him to look at me the way he looks at Reuben.

I know I am not the one who will feel this way from time to time. The daycare mums, the partners of stay at home dads. All of those they can’t spend as much time there as they’d like too, for whatever their reasons.

The point of this post, I don’t even know. I am feeling bad today for raising my voice several times yesterday, for not being able to control my emotions and for not managing my PND very well. Yes, anger is a common symptom of PND that many don’t realize or talk about. I would never harm myself or my children. EVER. But sometimes I get wound up and I shout.

Does that make me a bad mother?

Reuben said to me last night “you need some new content”. The sad thing is, he’s right. Life has been so insanely busy as of late that I really haven’t set aside time to blog as much as I would have liked. I’ll be honest, I’ve set aside NO time. As I’m sure you’ve been able to tell. We’ve had a pregnancy announcement, Christmas, NY, my 30th birthday in less than a week (cue meltdown). I’ve celebrated the 2 year anniversary of this very blog and the Facebook page ticked over 30 THOUSAND followers, I am still in shock. To top it all off?.. the baby is going to be here in 13.5 weeks. OH MY GOD. That is 95 days away. Are we prepared? Um, kind of.

Having a second baby is NOTHING like having your first baby, well this is how its been for me anyway. I was so extremely organised about this time with Baxter. His room was ready and I’d probably moved the furniture around and re-organised everything like 5 times and I was probably packing my hospital bag for the 3rd time. I was petrified about the birth and each week I would remind Reuben “you know the baby is going to be here soon right?” cos men, well. You know.

This pregnancy has been oh so different and I don’t think it has anything to do with the fact that its a girl. I have to check the app on my phone to confirm how far along I am when people ask and am only just now starting to really come to terms with the fact that in a few short months, our baby girl will be here and our family will be complete. Yes, no more babies. I know what you’re thinking.. everybody says that no more. But this is what we want. We’re ecstatic to be having one of each and 2 is what we always wanted.

Babies room is nowhere near completed. We’re doing some renovations on the spare room which will end up being Baxter’s new room, and shrimpy will go into Baxter’s current room once she’s graduated out of our room. That is the plan, the room needs to be painted and currently resembles a hoarders living room. As Reuben would say “we have pleeeenty of time”. It’s not doing good things for my anxiety, thats for sure. But I know it will all work out.

Do you know one thing that is really starting to scare me? Freak me out, make me anxious? Its extremely selfish. Really. Baxter has been an amazing sleeper since an early age. We’ve been so so lucky, everybody told us he would stop it eventually and “it won’t last for long” typical buzzkill comments. He hasn’t stopped. He is still sleeping anywhere from 12-15 hours a night. I am not joking, this kid is a mini version of his Dad and he LOVES to sleep. And yes, he has a small day sleep too. I am so scared that the new baby is going to affect his sleeping and that we will all fall apart. Deep down, I know its selfish. Baxter being a good sleeper has really helped my PND because I KNOW that sleep deprivation is a killer, trust me, I did experience it. Those first 3 months were hellish. It actually fucks with your brain and it can be quite dangerous at times. I am genuinely worried that if his sleep gets all out of whack then we will have two not sleeping and how will we cope? Oh poor me you’re probably thinking, but its scares me and triggers my anxiety. I don’t know how I will cope.

I know its going to be tough, we’ve done it before, I know the rough times will pass and you start having good days between the bad days, then good weeks, good months. I am just starting to panic. I know Baxter will change a wee bit with his sister arriving, although he is young. I am sure he will know. He seen me with a friends 9 week old baby a few weeks ago and the look he gave me truly broke my heart. It made me feel like. I had to sneak back into his room later to tell him that I loved him. I felt terrible and I know these feels with flood back soon when I am spreading my love and attention between two.

Every baby is so different and I have no idea what to expect.

I am shit scared that my PND is going to come flooding back in full force. My GP, Midwife and family are amazing. I have a great support system so this shouldn’t be a concern of mine, but it is. After discussions with my GP, Midwife & Reuben we decided it was better for me to remain on my medication throughout this pregnancy. I felt good about the decision until some dip shit pharmacist who filled my prescription scare mongered me and told me it was extremely dangerous for the baby with me being on medication. Who the hell does he think he is? Like I wasn’t in a vulnerable enough state.

Anyway, I am starting to ramble a bit. I haven’t blogged in a while, I start to type and now I can’t seem to stop. Sometimes airing your thoughts and fears make you feel a shit load better. I know it often makes others feel better because they realise their fears are normal.

Thanks to my anterior placenta (I had one with Baxter too), I’ve only felt movements in the last two weeks but it definitely makes it all feel a lot more real.

Life has been hectic but I promise I will blog at least once a week going forward!

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