I had an epiphany the other night and realized I’ve been focusing my time and energy in all the wrong places.

I’ve wasted time on people who are only out to benefit themselves and I’ve wasted time on things that are never going to become something, all because of my need to please others. I’ve constantly compared myself to others and it’s not until the other night, it hit me – what the fuck is the point? I need to focus on my family and getting me back to a point where I can say I am truly happy.

I started my blog because I wanted to help myself first and foremost, it was a way of writing down the feels. Then I realized it helped others and that helped me too (a lot). As of late I feel like I’ve slipped into this place that I don’t really like. I feel like I am in constant competition. I’ve always remained genuine in my content and never sold myself out to advertising, what you see is what you get with me. I need to revert back to my roots, forget about all the other bullshit. I think I was getting a bit too involved. Planning out my next post etc. I was so fixated on numbers like it was some sort of popularity contest hanging out for that 10k on IG. Do you know what though? I need to stop caring, it’s unhealthy. Who the fuck cares? For some reason I found myself caring though, and it hit me like a tonne of bricks. I care too much about everything else and everybody else. So much so I forget to care about myself and that’s pretty fucked up.

Instead of living in the moment I am too concerned about getting a good photo for ‘the blog’ or for ‘Instagram’. It’s fucked.

Why the fuck do we care so much? It’s like we crave this acceptance or approval? Chances are they don’t give a shit about you either.

Social media truly is so powerful. It can be so rewarding and also so destructive.

A number is just that. It does not define you as a person or make you better than anybody else.

I am constantly feeling like I am letting people down because I don’t reply to emails or notifications immediately and let other things slip because I am focusing attention in all the wrong places. The blog has got to a point where sometimes I can’t keep on top of the messages and reply to each and every one. I sit here feeling terrible wondering what type of people think I am? Do they think I am snob because I haven’t replied? Little do they realise I want to, but its not always physically possible. I love and appreciate each and every comment and message I get.

Don’t believe everything you see and read because behind those beautifully curated squares is a person who may not be what you think. Their clothes choice, material possessions or follower count mean NOTHING. We are all human. We have struggles, we have mortgages to pay and each one of us see and read things in a different way. Your perception of yourself may not necessarily be how somebody else sees you. Don’t take things of face value.

I need to go back to basics and ascertain what’s important and what’s not. My mind is a mess and my life is so cluttered, I feel like I’m in desperate need of a spring clean and it begins now. I am decluttering my life of belongings, people and situations that do not make me happy. I’m halfway through the book ‘the life changing magic of not giving a fuck’. It is a game changer. It’s made me realise SO many things.

I am not really sure why I am sharing this with you all but feel I need too. It’s my platform and I will share what I want. Some will understand, some won’t and some will even agree.

These unrealistic portrayals are damaging and being real is where it’s at.

You do you x

My OG. Bad boy ginge, our resident bobble head.

You made me a Mum.

If only I knew the things I know now.

I wasn’t sure if I’d have the capacity to love another like I love you, but the love you’ve shown towards Lily has made me realise that love never runs out, it only expands.

I’ve always been told that a mother has a special bond with her son, and you’ve shown me just how true this is.

You have taught me things about myself that I never knew existed. You made me find a strength within myself that I didn’t even know I had, a love I didn’t even know was possible.

The moment you were put in my arms, I was overwhelmed with emotions. So much love, and so much fear. I was so scared because this whole motherhood thing this was/is new to me.  I was so scared of not being a good Mum to you. I got post natal depression and I cried a lot. I would sit there and look at you, and cry. I was so scared that I was failing you because I wasn’t coping. The first few months were really difficult for me, coming to terms with such a big adjustment, my hormones were all over the place and I was discovering a new side of myself.

I hope that one day you will be proud of me and that you’re OK with me writing about you and your sister and how I am feeling. I have found a safe haven within this blog and people really love hearing about you and how you’re doing. It’s really helped me by helping others who were also struggling.

I was so afraid when Lily was born that you would become withdrawn. Sad and jealous of the attention I was giving your sister, but you’ve been amazing. You have been so welcoming and shown her so much love. You have such a kind heart and I know you’re going to do amazing things in your life.

We got some bad news this week and just having you around has made things a little easier to deal with. You have brought so much joy to our family. Seeing the bond you have with my Dad is something in itself. It literally brings a tear to my eye. You’re like his little shadow and it just fills my heart. Seeing you with my Grandad makes me so happy that he was able to get such joy from both you and your sister. I know Grandma would have been so smitten with you as your cheeky just like my Dad.

You’re an amazing wee boy Baxter with such a gentle soul. I sit here writing this with a tear rolling down my cheek. You are 2 next month and it has gone so fast. You’ve achieved so much and I know you’ll achieve so much more. I am sorry its not just you and me anymore kiddo, but I promise you that the love I have for you will never change. It will only grow. I promise we will have lots of Mummy & Baxxy time. We will go for secret ‘supermarket trips’ and eat chicken nuggets in the car and then dispose of the rubbish so Daddy and Lily will never know. I promise that I will make you proud. I will be the best damn Mum I can be to you and your sisters.

You’re going to go places B, I just know it.

Love you now, and forever xo