20.04.2017 | 3.43am | 8lb5oz – Lily Luca Bemrose


I kept going to start this blog post and simply don’t know where to start because it all happened so quickly. I wrote about Baxter’s and had trouble remembering all the details so figured I’d get onto Lily’s sooner rather than later.

For the days/nights leading up to the birth I was certain that she was ‘coming that night’. Nobody knows your body like you do and I knew stuff was going on but clearly she wasn’t quite ready.

I’ll set the scene…

The morning of the 20th rolls around, 2am – I am laying in bed and think ‘hmm, did I just wee?’ I get up and go to the toilet. It wasn’t enough for me to think much of it. I figured I was just loosing my mind. 5 min later, def not wees. I feel a warm surge of liquid – “REUBEN, get a towel! She’s coming” haha.

A friend of mine had kindly gifted me some adult nappies, what a god send. I put a pair of them sexy panties on and jumped back into bed. Reuben tells me “go back to sleep, reserve your energy” yeah, ok – thanks for that. This is what we did with Baxter but clearly Lily had other plans. Less than 5 minutes after laying in bed mildly freaking out that it was all finally happening contractions started and hit me like a freight train. 2 minutes apart from the get go and getting stronger and stronger each time. We called the midwife at 2.30am and told her what was going on, she said to come in and said she’d see us within the hour as we had to call on Reuben’s parents to come out as Bax was in bed fast asleep. Waiting for them felt like an eternity to the point that we were down in the garage with the car running. Contractions in the car are honestly hell. I thought to myself “why the fuck am I doing this to myself all over again?” and then I remembered we’d soon meet our little girl who’d complete our family and it’d all be worth it.

They finally arrived and we were on the road just after 3am. Shit was getting more intense as time went on and I kept saying to Reuben “this baby is coming, I feel like I need to push”.

We were traveling from Lower Hutt to Wellington Hospital where we’d chosen to give birth and we most definitely ran a few red lights when Reuben realized I wasn’t exaggerating and this baby was coming, and fast.

We arrived at the hospital carpark delivery suite lifts, they’re locked after hours and you have to use the phone of doom. We called up and said “yeah, we’re about to have a baby in the carpark” and we waited, and waited, and waited…. I was literally leaning against the parking machine, nappy and all, crossing my legs in an attempt to keep this baby in all while some teens were in the carpark getting wasted. Fun times. After what felt like 10 minutes, we called the midwife to tell her we were in the carpark and an orderly had still not come to let us up. She shortly greeted us in the lift and we were on our way up to delivery suite. It would have been about 3.30am by the time we got into the room which Reuben labeled the dojo.

I literally when into sheer panic within seconds as everything was happening so insanely fast. I yelled at my midwife saying I needed to push, I felt SO much pressure it was insane. She said the rest of my waters hadn’t gone and that was probably the pressure. Within seconds of her observation and examination, WHOOOSH – the rest of the waters go and I shit myself at the same time (I’d hoped I wouldn’t as I didn’t with Baxter but honestly don’t even give a shit now I think about it – see what I did there). Great idea on the chicken tandoori, Reuben. Lol.

I am not even exaggerating, within seconds I was pushing, 2 pushes and Lily Luca was born at 3.43am. 13 minutes after arriving into the delivery suite. If you were following our live updates on Snapchat you would have seen the gap in Reuben’s story, it literally happened THAT quickly. I am scared to think what had happened if she didn’t come down and get us from the carpark when she did or if I’d gone into labour at a different time of day and had traffic to compete with.

Lily was born happy and healthy (well, so we thought). In the days prior we learned that she’d potentially contracted some type of viral infection and her body was not strong enough to fight it off. She was having trouble with her breathing and was not maintaining a healthy body temp. We spent 4 days in the Wellington Children’s Hospital and I cannot express enough how amazing the staff were throughout our stay.

It was an extremely tough and emotional time for me since EVERY single family member on both sides got hit with Gastro. Dad, Mum (passed out at our place while caring for Baxter and got concussion), Baxter, Reuben’s Mum & Dad and then Reuben dramatically collapsed at the Children’s Hospital and spent the day in a private room there in isolation vomiting etc. It was fucking tough I tell you, due to everybody being sick and us not wanting Lily to be exposed to it I was doing this all on my own. It was difficult for Reuben and the rest of the families as they weren’t even able to see Lily. We communicated via text, FB chat and FaceTime. It was one of the loneliest and toughest few days I’ve experienced to date. It was so hard knowing Baxter was really sick and I couldn’t even see him and had to take everybody’s word that he was OK. I knew he wasn’t. I could feel my depression and anxiety coming flooding back and cried myself to sleep every single night. I put on a brave face/voice for Reuben most of the time but he knew it was killing me.

Everybody is OK now, Lily and I are back at home. Reuben and the rest of the family has recovered. Baxter seems to be 95% although I think some of his not being 100% is the getting adjusted to the fact there is another person in the house now. He is really good with Lily and comes in and says “halllooo lilllllly”. Cute af.

Reuben has been absolutely amazing despite all the drama. I can tell already that him and Lily are going to have the cutest bond ever.

So there you have it, the birth of Lily Luca Bemrose. Quite the exciting and dramatic story.

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Right, I’ve had sooooo many people messaging me on various platforms asking me for my updated hospital bag essentials list.

I did use my initial list as a starting point as well, it was a bloody good list!

Similar to last time, I’ve packed and unpacked the bags (yes, bags) several times. This is mainly due to me being terribly behind in the washing and saying to myself “oh, I wanna wear this in the next few weeks”.

Like last time, I would recommend taking enough clothes etc to get you and baby through 3-5 days that way if you end up having a long stay, you’re more than prepared. In saying that, I was in for 3 nights (4 days) and I’m pretty sure I wore the same clothes for a large majority of the time. Yes mum, I changed my underwear. Even though most people say “oh I can send my partner home to get more” I’d rather just have it there with me. We have a 30 minute drive (no traffic) to the hospital.

I will say in advance, I am super anal so took everything whether or not I ‘needed’ it, it was good to have it ‘just in case’. It’s better to be over prepared than unprepared, right? I am all for being over prepared, it’s easier than sending people out for stuff.

Right, I’ve broken this down into 5 lists;

For you:

  • Comfortable clothes for after the birth – I took slouchy yoga type pants and a nice baggy top to hide my newly acquired pooch, track pants will become your best friend. I have my amazing Silent Theory pants that I’ve lived in throughout my pregnancy, hence why I keep packing and unpacking them
  • Socks
  • Nana undies – the higher the better, especially if you have a c-section you don’t want ones that rub on your stitches. The Warehouse do awesome packs of nana gruts super cheap so you can chuck them after.. or keep wearing months after like me. You can get a 5 pack for $10. I took 2 packs ‘just in case’ (plus I know I will live in daggies for months after, hahaha
  • Toilet paper – the hospital stuff is like baking paper and that’s the last thing you want to be wiping your lady bits with. You can also get those amazing hoo-hah wet wipes, I used these once I got home (up until about 8 weeks when I got the courage to wipe and not dab). I found putting some WaterWipes in the fridge/freezer is ahhhh-mazing down there
  • Maternity pads – you’ll need em. The hospital supply you with ones that resemble a large single mattress but I found the libra maternity ones better as they had wings. In saying that, I was rolling two up (hospital ones) until I came home and once the bleeding died down I swapped over to the libra maternity liners
  • Maternity bras if you’re planning on breastfeeding, take sports bras with no underwire if you’re not going to BF. I don’t think I’ll ever wear a bra with underwire again, haha.
  • Labour clothes – if you don’t want to get stuck in a hideous, unflattering hospital gown, pack some clothes you’d like to labour in. It all happened pretty fast for me so I ended up in a long singlet, it covered my lady bits while walking around the room (some dignity) but also meant the midwife etc could do their thang
  • Slippers & Dressing gown – a lot of people say the hospitals are hot but I personally found it bloody cold!
  • PJ’s – Peter Alexander do amazing maternity pyjamas but they’re hella expensive, I was lucky enough to be gifted some by my amazing mama!
  • Phone/Charger – I also packed my portable battery pack ‘just in case’
  • Snacks: I took barley sugars, gummy snakes and Powerade. All of which got demolished during late nights feeds the following days and that dreaded second night. I also came across these devine Lactation Cookies which I’ve been eating now for the past 2 weeks – they’re delish!
  • Essential oils (if this is your thang) – I used the Le’esscience Labour Blend & Clary Sage during Baxter’s birth and will be using them again this time around. They have a huge selection of ah-mazing pregnancy safe blends AND they’re made here in NZ
  • Your own pillow – hospital ones are s.h.i.t – make sure you use a bright pillowcase so you don’t forget it when you’re in a rush to get out of there like I almost did!

Toiletries:

(I went and raided Countdown/The Warehouse for all those mini travel bottles)

  • Shampoo & Conditioner – save room and find a 2 in 1 or just rock the dry shampoo!
  • Hairbrush, Hair ties or headband if you want to ensure your hair is out of your face
  • Toothbrush & Toothpaste
  • Deodorant
  • Lip Balm – by god did I need this
  • Moisturiser
  • Soap/Body Wash
  • Breast pads if you’re intending on BF’ing – I got some awesome reusable ones from Bibbitty Baby! I also purchased some Hydrogel Breast Discs to try this time around as my nips were RUINED last time
  • Lanisoh (nipple cream)
  • Hand cream
  • BB cream – I could not be fucked with full on makeup but this made me feel, and look less like a zombie when it came time for visitors
  • Medications you may need
  • Weleda Hypercal Lotion if you have a vaginal birth – this stuff was amazing the weeks following, I chilled it in the fridge in a shot glass then syringed it onto my lady bits, you could always make a heap up in a pump bottle but I found this awkward as hell and it just ended up everywhere but on my hoo-hah

It looks like a lot, but all of this fit in a small toilet/makeup bag for me. As I said, I went for the small travel sized bottles that the supermarket/Warehouse stock.

For partner/family/support person:

  • Camera (make sure you charge your battery or take spares) and don’t forget a memory card! My partner was on birth photog duty last time and done an awesome job
  • List of people who need to be contacted after the birth if you’re not up for doing it
  • Snacks/drinks
  • Change for the carpark/food etc

For baby:

  • Hats, booties, scratch mittens (you can also use socks)
  • Light blanket or muslin for swaddling
  • Merino onesies or suits – some people prefer gowns as they’re easier for late night changes
  • Singlets
  • Leggings
  • Woollen cardigans
  • Baby wipes/nappies
  • Wool blanket
  • Capsule or carseat – the hospital generally check this on discharge

NB: With Baxter, I packed all newborn clothes but he was quite small so ended up in prem clothes for a week or two once we came home (he wasn’t prem), so if you think/know you’re having a wee babe then I would take 1-2 prem suits just in case.

Backup bag in the boot of the car:

  • 2 spare outfits for bubs
  • Extra blanket/swaddle in case other gets soiled
  • Extra nappies/wipes (hospital often has this stuff but if you have a preference as to what you want to use then take your own
  • Change of clothes for my partner + toiletries
  • Camera charger

Ladies, leave a towel in the car if your waters break at home and you have a wee (haha) drive to the hospital. I needed a towel in the car, and on my side of the bed which was lucky as my waters broke in bed. I finally remembered to take the towel out of the car a few weeks later when I rose from the newborn haze (ha, ew).

As I say, everybody is SO different. It’s likely Reuben won’t be staying so he probably won’t need half of his stuff but he used it all last night as he did manage to stay a night or two (I would have discharged myself had he not been allowed too). Every birth can be so different so we are prepared for all situations and if we don’t use it, no major. Some people take the bare minimum while I like to feel comfortable and have my things with me.

I hope this helps!

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In one of my recent posts I made a big hoo-hah about the fact it’s a new year but ya’ll are gonna get the same old me and that I wasn’t going to make ridiculous goals that I know I have zero intention of fulfilling.

Instead, I am embracing all the changes coming this year and since turning 30, I can’t hide it anymore, I really am an adult and I am starting to get old. Things that never used to matter to me are now front of mind.

  • My health is more important than ever because I have 1 (soon to be 2) little people fully reliant on me.
  • We’re about to put an offer in on a house so our finances are extremely topical right now and I am learning so many things I never even knew.
  • I have always been a terrible saver. If I have money, I spend it. I am so thankful I joined KiwiSaver early as that helped me a lot when it came to my deposit.
  • I’ve gone through life working my butt off but never doing a lot to actually protect myself should anything happen.

With my 30th birthday been and gone, it’s got me thinking about putting a will in place. Some of these are things I don’t even want to think about but I need to, not only myself, but for my family.

As you would have seen from my last post with Warehouse Money, we’ve been doing a bit of work together and I have to say, sponsored or not, this whole collaboration has taught me a lot about insurance, different types of cover and why it is so important.

My latest learning is about Health Insurance. I have never really put a lot of thought into until becoming a parent. Like my previous post touched on, I’ve always had the attitude “I won’t ever need it” and “I can better spend the money elsewhere”. I’ve always been in generally good health so have luckily never needed it.

I’m pretty careful person, yeah, I am clumsy as heck at the best of times and am yet to break any bones or do any serious damage (touch wood).

Sitting here pondering why we mums need health insurance and I have come up with a few reasons:

  • As I mentioned earlier, I’m not a great saver so coming up with a large sum of money at a moment’s notice can be hard (especially because we are soon to be paying a large Wellington mortgage)
  • When Reuben catches a cold and thinks he’s dying (man flu, boohoo). (Doctors visits and prescription costs add up significantly over the year for a family of three – soon to be four!).
  • Parent accommodation cover – just in case one of the kids needs to go into hospital and we need somewhere to stay (If my child gets sick, I worry like crazy and want to ensure the best care for him – so knowing that I have private health insurance means we can jump the public health care queues
  • Non-surgical hospitalization – for things like asthma or specialist appointments (which can be crazy expensive).
  • Typical kid stuff like grommets and tonsillitis.

Even better? If you purchase before you have your baby, they’re covered for anything that may arise pre/post birth.

Since becoming a Mum to Baxter and with his sister arriving in April I don’t just have myself to worry about anymore. Of course, I still have to worry about myself, for their sake but I also need to ensure that they are covered in the case of accident or illness.

If something happened to me, what would happen to the kids? Reuben stays home with Baxter and I am the one working. Could they manage without me? And then, what if Reuben got sick?

Warehouse Money has partnered with nib to bring you different types of cover to suit your needs. There are three great plans available: Everyday for Everyone cover, Hospital cover, Hospital and Specialist cover.

The thing I love most about the Warehouse Money approach is that is clear and simple with exactly what cover you’re getting. They’re on a mission to make things easy for us Kiwi’s when it comes to offering great value financial products and services.

We’re looking at the Hospital Cover policy, a slightly more premium product that covers a lot for the average kiwi family (like us). From only $2.29 a week per person, that’s less than the average cup of coffee! This cover is great if you require private hospital treatment so you can quickly get back to doing the things you love. What else does it cover? Surgery, Cancer Treatments, Oral Surgery, Specialist Consults and much more. Have a look at what policy is right for you over at www.warehousemoney.co.nz

Obviously, each person has individual needs and can pick the cover that best suits them. I just love that it’s made so transparent and tells me exactly what I am getting, in a simple way that I can understand and make an informed decision from AKA I can do it all online.

So thanks Warehouse Money, for making insurance easy to understand, good value and easily accessible for all New Zealander’s.

I am keen to know what changes you’re making/have made in regards to your life/health since becoming a parent? Did things change dramatically or were you just more organised than me? Do you see insurance as a priority and a must have?

If you’re stuck and are not sure where to start, jump onto www.warehousemoney.co.nz and get a quote.

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I really wished I’d written notes about my birth earlier as 10 weeks on is not the most ideal time to recollect it, whilst the labor itself feels like a blur now I will do my best to remember the details.

To put things into perspective, my due date was the 28th of August. I was so desperate to get this baby out earlier, if not on my due date. I drunk copious amounts of raspberry leaf tea (which tastes like radiator water), I bounced on the swiss ball till I couldn’t bounce anymore, I curb-walked and I had lots of sex (upon instructions from my midwife) although feeling like a beached whale and having sex was the LAST thing I wanted to do. Ladies, you know exactly what I mean.

As a first time mum, being overdue was like the end of the world, seriously. I was in the mindset that this baby was never coming and that he’d be in there forever.

The 30th of August rolls around and I wake at 5.30am. I felt/heard something weird, I reluctantly put my hands ‘down there’ and felt warm liquid. For a moment there I thought I’d pissed the bed. I couldn’t have been more wrong. My waters had broken, it was not what I’d expected from seeing way to many unrealistic american movies. I managed to save the mess in my bed and made it to the bathroom somehow. I sat on the toilet thinking ‘holy fuck, this is happening’. I woke up my partner and was like ‘um, I think my waters just broke’, we’re both in a panic running around the house yelling ‘he’s coming, he’s coming’. He told me to try get some sleep, um, yeah right. That was not happening. I think I may have drifted off for a very small period of time but my mind simply wouldn’t let me. The day I’d been waiting for was finally here and I was shitting bricks (not literally, but may as well have). As it was so early int he morning we decided to hold off calling the midwife until later that morning (9am). Contractions were quite far apart at that stage and I was still questioning myself as to whether this was the real deal or not. My midwife was off for the weekend (typical, I KNEW it was going to happened on her scheduled weekend off!). Backup midwife told us to come in and get checked out, generally once your waters have gone they check on everything and you are put on IV antibiotics after 12 hours if things are progressing due to the risk of infection. We went in about 3.30pm I think. She questioned whether or not it was actually my waters, I told her I definitely didn’t piss myself so it had to be. I jokingly told her it smelt like semen and not urine (have heard this is strangely normal). She done an internal and confirmed I was 1-2cm dilated and done a stretch and sweep while she was done there which was not the most pleasant of experiences but knew it’d be nothing compared to what was ahead. After we left things felt different, I knew that whatever she’d done had really moved things along. She’d told us to come back at 10pm that night, with all our stuff and expect to be in for the night (and that we wouldn’t be leaving without a baby). If things weren’t to progress, the plan was I’d be hooked up to an IV for antibiotics until things got going.

Not necessary, at 8pm I screamed at my partner from the bathroom to call the midwife and ask if we could come in earlier to which she said yes yes, come in. My contractions were getting closer (don’t even ask how far apart as I can’t remember now) but they were getting more intense. I think contractions really stepped up for me around 6pm (from memory) and just got worse from then on. Having contractions in a moving vehicle is one of the most hideous experiences, sitting at the lights trying my best to slump into my seat so the people next to us couldn’t see me while I was gripping the door panel in the car so hard I was making an indent in the rubber. We were traveling from Lower Hutt into Wellington Hospital as this is where I had chosen to give birth (we lived in the city when we found out I was pregnant). We finally pull into the hospital carpark and sure enough, the fucking lifts lock off at 8pm. I was adamant I was going to give birth in the carpark gripping the pay & display machine. We buzzed L&D and what felt like an hour later (was actually less that 5min) a security guard with a wheelchair arrives in the lift. I’ve never been so happy to see a complete stranger.

We get settled into our room and they do another internal and I was only 4-5cm I think? I was disappointed, with the pain I was feeling I was expecting 10cm! Hah! Sadly no. I remember struggling to find a comfortable position to ride out the contractions. I was on the floor at one stage, on the bed, walking around and spent a majority of my time on the toilet as I constantly felt like I needed to pee (more that I ever did throughout the whole pregnancy). On what was to be my final toilet visit I sat down and ‘WHOOSH’ the most unreal noise and hollywood gush of water, so much so, my partner, the midwife student and midwife all heard it even with the bathroom door closed. I look behind me in the toilet (as you do), it was brown. For a split second I thought holy shit, I just did the most ruthless shit. No, meconium in the waters and I knew that was bad so I went into panic mode instantly. I yelled something along the lines of ‘holllyyyyy fucccckkk I need to push, he’s coming’ and the midwife ran in and helped me off the toilet and onto the bed. I started off labouring on all fours on the bed, I found it so uncomfortable and constantly felt like I was going to shit. This is very normal by the way and was one of my biggest fears. I didn’t, thank god. My partner was AH-MAZING, putting ice cold flannels on my forehead and shoulder blades, within seconds they felt piping hot and I’d yell at him for more cold ones! I finally got my way and was able to swap positions and labour on my back, instantly I felt like all this pushing was actually getting me somewhere! I went into the birth wanting to have no drugs whats so ever and I am so pleased I was able to fulfil my birth plan. How? I have no idea. Sheer determination and the right mindset I think. I recall people telling you about the ring of fire, by god. The feeling/pain down there would resemble somebody holding a blowtorch to your lady bits at close range, on that final push when I actually felt him coming out was the biggest relief I have ever felt in my entire life, I instantly felt a pressure release (duh, a human just came out of my VAGINA!). Don’t get me wrong, the pain was out of this world but the moment they’re out and you hear that first cry, it actually is so worth it (I thought people were crazy when they said this to me). He was straight up onto my chest for skin on skin and was so alert! My partner cut the cord which was amazing as we didn’t think he’d be able too (hates blood etc, and there was plenty of it). Once I thought it was all over I forgot I still had to push the placenta out, thank god its squishy and barely compares to a HUMAN! My poor partner, the midwife said soft push, which I swear I did and the placenta literally shot out, along with a fuck tonne of blood. Apparently there was a small pocket of blood behind the placenta which helped with it’s exit, haha. I thought my other half was going to pass out. It looked a lot worse that it actually was. Upon inspection, it turns out my sac ruptured in two places, hence the two lots of waters I lost. It was definitely reassuring to know I hadn’t pissed myself earlier than morning but a bulk of the waters were lost on the epic toilet visit. To be honest, the hours after this were a blur. I remember my parents coming up to the delivery room to meet the little fella and this was such an awesome moment to watch.

Looking at my pregnancy and delivery records/discharge papers I was in established labour at 8.10pm, admitted at 9.05pm (30th of August), was fully dilated at 11.45pm and gave birth at 12.49am (31st of August). Looking at it that way, it seems so short, but it really didn’t feel that way!

Labour deets (for those who care):

1st stage: 03.35

2nd stage: 01.04

3rd stage: 00.12

He was born happy and healthy weighing 7lb5oz.

I suffered two labial lacerations which required stitches, thank god I received anesthetic as I don’t know how much more I could have taken down there.

Would I do it again? I don’t know, haha. Not anytime soon, but if I was stupid enough to I think I would definitely try for an unmedicated, natural birth again, I felt so empowered afterwards and it was such a good feeling.

Women are amazing, regardless of how they birth – what an experience. Hats off to all your mums out there. The human body is an amazing thing.

birth

I came across this post the other day and it really resonated with me because I am THAT friend right now and I have been for a while now, while I was pregnant with Baxter and more so now that he is here.

For friends without children it’s harder to understand, they often take it personally or think that you’re choosing not to make any effort or that you simply don’t care. That is not the case at all. I wrote about it early on in my journey as a new mum and to be honest, things haven’t changed a lot for me these days and as Baxter has gotten older.

I’m tired, and when I am not tired I have a million and 1 things to do.

With so much going on in our lives we need to remember to be kind to ourselves, that those true friends will understand and offer a helping hand instead of being annoyed at our absence.

A good friend once told me ‘you find out who your true friends are when you have a baby’. There is SO much truth in this but when she told me at the time I thought, really? Fuck yes. I was THAT friend. I didn’t know how to act or be around friends who had just had babies because it’s something I hadn’t experienced personally.

My priorities have completely changed since having Baxter and I never saw it coming, there were people I considered good friends who have never even met my son and due to this I have pulled back and decided that I don’t need people like that in my life. Yes, people without children are busy too but so much changes once you have little people who depend on you entirely. Being a mum has really made me see things in a whole different perspective. You realise what’s important and what isn’t. You learn to care less about what other people think and more about what you think of yourself. You realise how far you’ve come and you remember when you were such a mess you thought you’d never recover. You smile because you are truly proud of yourself and the person you have become and this new life that you created.

I don’t like going out at night because 1. I am tired and 2. That means I don’t get to say goodnight to Baxter, I then go to work in the morning and he is still asleep when I leave so I then don’t get to see him until the next evening. When I am not busy being a mum, more often than not the last thing I want to do is be social, and that’s all me, not you. I’ll be totally honest, I was a bit of a nana even before Baxter came along. I’ve never been a party girl and I would much rather sit at home watching shit TV and eating Tim Tams in my Jim Jams but that’s just me. I love seeing my friends and hanging out but find things are just different now.

I have the lowest tolerance for bullshit these days, from dramatic friends to opinionated people online (ironic as I can one of them). I have so much more to worry about these days, and have just found I simply can’t be bothered with trivial things that are of such low importance to me. Don’t get me wrong, I have so much patience when it comes to my son, I just seem to have lost it for everybody else and I think I put that down to the fact that my life is so devoted to him right now. I have been shit on my so many friends in the past, haven’t we all that I really just don’t have time for people in my life who are out for the benefit of themselves. There is simply no point.

I will not apologise for the way I am. I am me. I live an insanely busy life in order to provide a good future for me and my family. I can be a real shit friend but I can also be the most amazing friend, often there is no in-between but those who know me know that this is me and I would drop anything for them.