I realized something tonight. Something that made me a little sad to admit.

I don’t really have many friends.

I was always the outsider, going against the grain. Bailing on events and occasions because I had been consumed by anxiety.

I lived on my own for over 5 years after an incredibly messy breakup – something I seem to blame a lot for.

I couldn’t disappoint anybody, and everything was on me. I only had myself to worry about.

I’m 32 years old and can safely say I have less than 5 people I could call on and they’d be there. While I know numbers don’t matter, I can’t help but feel sad. We live in this online world where everything is on show.

People have come and gone over the years, was this because of me? Did our lives just grow in different directions? Did they get what they needed from our friendship?

I get sad when I scroll my feed and see all the big groups of friends who have been together through it all. They got pregnant together, they plan their weddings together, their children grow up together – they even travel together. The constant feed that is social media is playing with my mind, telling me there is something wrong with me because I don’t have this.

I never went to a school formal, I got early exemption from the ministry of education to leave school when I was 15 and I’ve worked full-time ever since.

It probably makes me sound like a huge loser, and maybe I am? On reflection, it could seem petty – like is this all I am worried about? Do I not think my current friends are good enough? Not the case at all. I love the insanely small circle I have but can’t help but wonder if maybe I’ve pushed others away? There are people I once considered really good friends who have never even met my children yet continue to engage online like we’re still the best of friends.

Have I been so focused on my career that I’ve never bothered to really value a friendship in order for it to last? Am I a bad friend?

Has working in the online space for so long made me not able to function properly in real-world situations which has then hindered my ability to form normal relationships?

Has motherhood made me more lonely than ever before?

Please tell me I am not the only one that constantly feels like a loner.

I’ve been on an offline hiatus – it’s been amazing. Yet here I am, online… writing this post… the irony. Maybe I should say, a Facebook/Instagram break.

Following on from some rather shitty abuse which I posted about, I decided to step back for a bit and reevaluate, refocus and take some time to remember why I am doing what I do. The message I posted was just a small taste of what I get. Currently I get about 1 per week, even more if something goes viral or international media sites like the daily mail pick it up. Don’t even get me started on stuff comments.

I’ve been told I shouldn’t have bred. That I am a terrible parent and that people feel sorry for my kids. I’ve been told to kill myself, that I am disgusting and a horrible person. That I post for validation or acceptance, like I really need approval from strangers but yeah. Thanks.

After a while, regardless of how strong you are, it starts to wear thing and if you’re like me and struggle with anxiety and/or depression, it does weigh on your mind after a while. You start to question the decisions you’ve made. Am I bad parent? How are Baxter & Lily going to feel about my blog in their older years? Is what I am doing wrong in some way?

After a lot of thought, I think they’ll be proud. Never once have I said anything bad about my children. I love them with all of my being and I would put them before myself any day.

Too many of us are consumed by the online world and the false personas people portray, which is why I’ve always been as real as possible. 

I don’t do what I do in order to seek validation from strangers. I set out to tell my story, share my journey and always be honest – regardless of how bad things got. For people to say that I am an attention-seeker genuinely hurts. I don’t have to share what I share, but I choose too. I’ve been vulnerable, I’ve bared it all. 

Since going offline, I’ve had a flurry of messages saying I have helped them in some way. My biggest problem is that when the going gets tough, I often forget about all the positive feedback I’ve had. I forget that I created a support group which has over 13,000 Mum’s in it, who have started an appreciation post in my absence (a friend screencapped and text it to me). Saying things like “come back, we need you”, “you/this group have got me through the dark days of being a new mum” and many more amazing more, positive words. I forget what I’ve achieved and don’t always realise the impact I’ve had on people, I get caught up by the negative comments and let them play on my mind.

I realise by putting out there it opens myself up more to this type of feedback. It is what it is and it says more about those people are their sad existence.

I now realise this, and I’m back bitches – and better than ever.

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20.04.2017 | 3.43am | 8lb5oz – Lily Luca Bemrose


I kept going to start this blog post and simply don’t know where to start because it all happened so quickly. I wrote about Baxter’s and had trouble remembering all the details so figured I’d get onto Lily’s sooner rather than later.

For the days/nights leading up to the birth I was certain that she was ‘coming that night’. Nobody knows your body like you do and I knew stuff was going on but clearly she wasn’t quite ready.

I’ll set the scene…

The morning of the 20th rolls around, 2am – I am laying in bed and think ‘hmm, did I just wee?’ I get up and go to the toilet. It wasn’t enough for me to think much of it. I figured I was just loosing my mind. 5 min later, def not wees. I feel a warm surge of liquid – “REUBEN, get a towel! She’s coming” haha.

A friend of mine had kindly gifted me some adult nappies, what a god send. I put a pair of them sexy panties on and jumped back into bed. Reuben tells me “go back to sleep, reserve your energy” yeah, ok – thanks for that. This is what we did with Baxter but clearly Lily had other plans. Less than 5 minutes after laying in bed mildly freaking out that it was all finally happening contractions started and hit me like a freight train. 2 minutes apart from the get go and getting stronger and stronger each time. We called the midwife at 2.30am and told her what was going on, she said to come in and said she’d see us within the hour as we had to call on Reuben’s parents to come out as Bax was in bed fast asleep. Waiting for them felt like an eternity to the point that we were down in the garage with the car running. Contractions in the car are honestly hell. I thought to myself “why the fuck am I doing this to myself all over again?” and then I remembered we’d soon meet our little girl who’d complete our family and it’d all be worth it.

They finally arrived and we were on the road just after 3am. Shit was getting more intense as time went on and I kept saying to Reuben “this baby is coming, I feel like I need to push”.

We were traveling from Lower Hutt to Wellington Hospital where we’d chosen to give birth and we most definitely ran a few red lights when Reuben realized I wasn’t exaggerating and this baby was coming, and fast.

We arrived at the hospital carpark delivery suite lifts, they’re locked after hours and you have to use the phone of doom. We called up and said “yeah, we’re about to have a baby in the carpark” and we waited, and waited, and waited…. I was literally leaning against the parking machine, nappy and all, crossing my legs in an attempt to keep this baby in all while some teens were in the carpark getting wasted. Fun times. After what felt like 10 minutes, we called the midwife to tell her we were in the carpark and an orderly had still not come to let us up. She shortly greeted us in the lift and we were on our way up to delivery suite. It would have been about 3.30am by the time we got into the room which Reuben labeled the dojo.

I literally when into sheer panic within seconds as everything was happening so insanely fast. I yelled at my midwife saying I needed to push, I felt SO much pressure it was insane. She said the rest of my waters hadn’t gone and that was probably the pressure. Within seconds of her observation and examination, WHOOOSH – the rest of the waters go and I shit myself at the same time (I’d hoped I wouldn’t as I didn’t with Baxter but honestly don’t even give a shit now I think about it – see what I did there). Great idea on the chicken tandoori, Reuben. Lol.

I am not even exaggerating, within seconds I was pushing, 2 pushes and Lily Luca was born at 3.43am. 13 minutes after arriving into the delivery suite. If you were following our live updates on Snapchat you would have seen the gap in Reuben’s story, it literally happened THAT quickly. I am scared to think what had happened if she didn’t come down and get us from the carpark when she did or if I’d gone into labour at a different time of day and had traffic to compete with.

Lily was born happy and healthy (well, so we thought). In the days prior we learned that she’d potentially contracted some type of viral infection and her body was not strong enough to fight it off. She was having trouble with her breathing and was not maintaining a healthy body temp. We spent 4 days in the Wellington Children’s Hospital and I cannot express enough how amazing the staff were throughout our stay.

It was an extremely tough and emotional time for me since EVERY single family member on both sides got hit with Gastro. Dad, Mum (passed out at our place while caring for Baxter and got concussion), Baxter, Reuben’s Mum & Dad and then Reuben dramatically collapsed at the Children’s Hospital and spent the day in a private room there in isolation vomiting etc. It was fucking tough I tell you, due to everybody being sick and us not wanting Lily to be exposed to it I was doing this all on my own. It was difficult for Reuben and the rest of the families as they weren’t even able to see Lily. We communicated via text, FB chat and FaceTime. It was one of the loneliest and toughest few days I’ve experienced to date. It was so hard knowing Baxter was really sick and I couldn’t even see him and had to take everybody’s word that he was OK. I knew he wasn’t. I could feel my depression and anxiety coming flooding back and cried myself to sleep every single night. I put on a brave face/voice for Reuben most of the time but he knew it was killing me.

Everybody is OK now, Lily and I are back at home. Reuben and the rest of the family has recovered. Baxter seems to be 95% although I think some of his not being 100% is the getting adjusted to the fact there is another person in the house now. He is really good with Lily and comes in and says “halllooo lilllllly”. Cute af.

Reuben has been absolutely amazing despite all the drama. I can tell already that him and Lily are going to have the cutest bond ever.

So there you have it, the birth of Lily Luca Bemrose. Quite the exciting and dramatic story.

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One of my awesome followers has a YouTube Channel and a friend of hers made up a Mum Tag, it’s all about being raw and honest about motherhood (and we all know I have that down pat).

  • Describe your day as a mum today in one word.

Hectic.

  • What’s the most challenging part about connecting with other mums?

Finding the mums that you relate to on a number of levels. You can find a mum that you really gel with but your parenting styles might be so different that its kind of difficult to ‘relate’. We all parent in different ways and there is no right or wrong, its often easier to connect and form a bond with a mum who is at your level and gets your way of doing things. It’s also difficult to find the mums that are down to compete, you know the whole ‘my kids better than your kid’.

  • Share one horrible poo moment! We’ve all been there.

We’ve only ever had one hella nasty poo sitch, seriously. My last ever breastfeed and by god, there was shit EVERYWHERE, to the point I was contemplating just throwing all the clothes out as I didn’t even want to wash them.

  • How do you cope with public child meltdowns and tantrums?

I think we’ve been lucky so far and Bax hasn’t really lost this shit in public but I know it’ll come and I am sure I will blog about it when it does.

  • Honestly, how much screen time does your child have?

Very little. I can’t keep his still long enough for it to be an issue. I used to play sensory type videos on the iPad when he was a baby and came to work with me (more so I could get some work done). He will watch cartoons for all of 5 minutes and then go cause havoc somewhere in the house.

  • What’s your go to easy dinner that you give at least once a week?

Throw together meals. I am bad for it as I am a shit house cook, I think being pregnant isn’t helping with the motivation levels. I get his silicone plate with the separate compartments and give him a bunch of things he loves – ham, cheese, bread. Full of nutrition.

  • Did you yell, cry or struggle today?

Not today, for a change. Lies. Actually, I didn’t cry today which is unusual (pregnancy hormones). But I did yell. I am a shouty mum at the moment. I am tired, uncomfortable, heavily pregnant and Baxter is testing boundaries/patience levels. I’m not proud of it, but I also won’t lie about it.

  • What was the best moment of your day so far as a mum?

Putting Baxter down for bed tonight. Seriously, I need a break (and a sleep).

  • What is your secret guilty pleasure to reward your mum life?

When I wasn’t pregnant my reward was indulging in a hot bubble bath with a glass of Pinot Noir. Right now my pleasure is just seeing Baxter thrive and smile his goofy smile, makes me see I’m doing something right.

  • How often do you experience mum guilt?

I used to experience it daily. I used to let it consume me until one day something just clicked and I decided to stop feeling guilty over things I couldn’t control. I don’t care what somebody else things of my style of parenting or my decisions. Of course there are going to be occasions when I will feel guilty, it’s completely normal – but I won’t beat myself up about it.

  • Share one taboo thing about motherhood you think should be talked about more!

The struggles of breastfeeding and just the whole parenting thing as a whole and the difficulty that comes with it. People don’t talk about how tough it can be so others experiencing it think its not normal.


I would love to do more of these so post your questions below or email me, hello@newmumclub.com and I will put together a Q & A post and may even make it a regular thing!

Yesterday Reuben informed me that I’m a shouty mum. I honestly didn’t even realize until he said it. When Baxter isn’t listening, my immediate reaction is to raise my voice assuming that will get his attention. It doesn’t. He generally laughs at me now and to be frank, I’ve brought it on myself.

Seeing the bond that’s grown between Reuben and Baxter while I’ve been working has affected me more than I thought it would and more than I would ever openly admit (until now). Baxter will go to Reuben in a heartbeat instead of me. Is it because I sometimes raise my voice? Is it because I am not around as much as he is? Please note, I am in no way blaming Reuben for this. I am just aware of my feelings and some of the reasons I often feel the way I do.

So many things go through my mind like this. I know that so much of what we do now will shape their future and I have to say, I am scared. I don’t want Baxter to be scared of me because I raise my voice on occasion; sometimes it’s the only way I know how to deal with things? Being pregnant, working full time and dealing with work/life stress is really taking its toll on me and now being in the final trimester, I’m finding it extremely difficult to keep a lid on things.

Everybody always reassures you and says, “you’re the mum, he will ALWAYS love you”. I know. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt to see the bond that’s grown between them, while I am SO happy that they are like they are (it warms my heart) but it still hurts. I want him to look at me the way he looks at Reuben.

I know I am not the one who will feel this way from time to time. The daycare mums, the partners of stay at home dads. All of those they can’t spend as much time there as they’d like too, for whatever their reasons.

The point of this post, I don’t even know. I am feeling bad today for raising my voice several times yesterday, for not being able to control my emotions and for not managing my PND very well. Yes, anger is a common symptom of PND that many don’t realize or talk about. I would never harm myself or my children. EVER. But sometimes I get wound up and I shout.

Does that make me a bad mother?