Old mate is back

As a mother and a human I have never felt so alone. I’m struggling with motherhood, I’m struggling with life in general.

I feel like I am fighting demons I can’t even begin to try and explain to people.

I am not posting this for attention, I’m posting this because it might explain why I don’t post or share much these days. What I do share is a tiny snippet of my life and people think I have it all sorted – I tell you now, I don’t.

My mental health currently has a firm grip on me and is ruling every aspect of my life.

I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to see anybody, I just want to yell or cry. I’ve done a lot of that. I’ve said things to my kids that I hate myself for.

How can people who are so small evoke so many emotions?

Today I realized that I am in this alone, regardless of the people who say they’ll be there – this is something that I think I am going to struggle with for the rest of my life. This is on me to try and overcome and I think maybe it’s time I try a different approach because the current approach is not working.

Today has been one of the worst days in a long time, I am in such a negative mindset and I am really down.

To the people who say I’m on here giving parenting advice yet in reality, I’m a terrible mother – thank you for making this dark depression even worse, for making me want to shut down everything I’ve worked for and disappoint the people I’ve helped better themselves.. I have only ever been real and honest about this journey and how I am feeling.

I know people say, you can talk to me but how on earth do you tell somebody about the horrible thoughts that go through your head? That sometimes you want to run away and never look back because others don’t deserve the sea-saw of emotions. That sometimes you’re just like honestly what’s the point? My existence isn’t even a happy one.

I love my kids, I truly do and I often think I don’t deserve them and that they deserve somebody better as a mother.

You may think somebody has it all sorted and has a really good life, but remember that small snippet is far from what the daily grind is like. I see others post photos of their happy families, of them winning this whole parenting thing and here’s me – wondering how I fucked it up so badly. I get jealous, I really do.

When I’m not yelling or ripping my hair out of sheer frustration, I just cry. Then some days the cloud is gone and things feel better – until it returns.

Why am I posting? I don’t know. I honestly feel like I can’t even tell anybody how I am feeling these days. I get criticized for posting stuff but this was my safe haven.

I struggle with depression and anxiety but I have also become a very angry person. I spend so much time trying to fix everybody else that I am falling apart from the inside out.

The mind is a scary place.

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4 Comments

  1. HP February 8, 2019 / 1:41 am

    Jess, I get it, and you, I really do. I’m on the other side of the world to you, it’s good to know I’m not alone in how hard this all is, please know you’re not alone too. There have been, and there will be brighter times xx

  2. Megan Leitch-Aislabie February 8, 2019 / 11:35 am

    Wow, this is the most relatable post I have ever read on the internet. Tears

  3. CP July 13, 2019 / 6:55 am

    Ive just had one of those horrible days. Im a new mum. My boy is just over 1 and I am struggling. Ive just been researching blogging today to find a way to express myself, my feelings… because I too, dont feel like talking to people when Im having days like this. Especially people I know. Humans are funny, we feel the need to share our emotions to everybody and also nobody. Maybe that is why you posted this blog? Whatever the reason is, I felt something when I read it.

    Reading your blog just now hit me. So relateable. Whoever you are, know that a stranger who just read this felt your pain and frustration, and want to tell you that you are not alone. To those people who think you are a horrible mum and shouldnt be giving advice, Fuck them.

    I hope you find the light someday, and that dark side doesnt creep in often. Ive had some crazy thoughts myself. Everything is a work in progress. Good luck!

  4. J December 23, 2019 / 8:44 am

    I just read this. I often feel the same way. I often wonder if I just left would it all be so bad? Then I get mum guilt, realise love is bigger snd stay.

    Until the next time something happens… like I get really over picking up after everyone, sit listening to another hour worth of crying, have another health issue related to babies, feel lonely even in a group of other mums or just look at myself in the mirror and dont recognize whose looking back at me.

    I try to balance everything but just end up trying to be everything to everybody but me. Self love and care is a real need for mums (&dads) and I personally an trying to do this more…

    I know this post is old. But I feel exactly what you have said and have felt it many times. I wonder if its about accepting where I am now and then moving forward from there one step or pedicure at a time… until i discover or find out who has grown in old me’s place.

    Happier times are there waiting for you (&me) when you are ready.
    I’m sure of it. (Maybe thats now as you read this… if so Yipee! If not it’s coming, hang in there. You got this).

    X

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