As tears streamed down my face he looked at me and said “i love you mummy, you’re my best friend” and that was all I needed to hear in that moment.

Knowing that this beautiful little person you created is starting to learn the concept of love and affection, especially when it’s needed.

I’ve struggled more as a Mum in the last couple of weeks than I did when the kids were newborns. 

I don’t know why but it’s just sucked, everything has.

I’ve lost myself 100%. I don’t know who I am anymore or what I want out of life. I feel like all I am is a Mum who goes to a job all day and then comes home and cleans. The same boring routine day in day out and it sucks – I’m over it. I wanted more out of my life and now I feel selfish for even feeling this way. I make no time for myself and I’ve just lost sight of what makes me happy.

My anxiety is at its peak right now, I am so bleh and I’ve cried so much I’ve given myself headaches.

I am failing my children and right now I am not a good mum.

It’s a bad day, not a bad life – but right now I just want to curl up into a ball and wait for the dark clouds to pass over.

I will start off the post by saying we are avid Mountain Buggy fans, so when I was asked to review the +one I was like heck yes!

From before Baxter was born we’d purchased their capsule & base and front pack (the Juno). I had my eyes on their new at the time, Urban Jungle Luxury Collection in Nautical. All the heart eyes, navy blue with tan leather. You can imagine my surprise when I came home from work one night and Reuben had gone and purchased the buggy and nappy bag for me. I squealed. I am a total sucker for patterns and aesthetics. When the Juno, their front pack came out in matching Nautical the consumer in me went out and purchased it. I LOVED it and to this day I still get use out of it. One of those on a whim purchases that I didn’t know how often I would actually use it but was pleasantly surprised how frequently I did.

We loved our Urban Jungle, super easy to fold up and down plus easily manoeuvrable when out in shops (and I do a lot of shopping, haha). When I became pregnant with Lily I was so worried about having to buy one of those bulky looking side by side buggy’s, until I discovered the Mountain Buggy +one I was thinking maybe I wouldn’t need to after all. The +one actually won the 2016 OHbaby Awards as being the best double buggy and Mountain Buggy came out on top as New Zealand’s favourite buggy brand. I can totally see why.

The thing I love most about the +one is that is doesn’t visually look like your typical double buggy because the second seat (which can be removed) actually sits behind the front seat so the buggy itself can be used as a single, toddler + storage, toddler + newborn or toddler + toddler with different configurations.

 

 

We initially got the buggy when Lily was a baby so we used it with the toddler + newborn configuration, the second seat and newborn mattress came included. It meant I could see Lily and keep an eye on her while Baxter could people watch – which he absolutely loves. If I decided to carry Lily in the front pack, I can switch it back to being a single pram or just leave the back seat empty or fill it with shopping. There is still heaps of room behind and underneath for storage even with two seats in. We keep our front pack tucked into the back for when we need it.

 

 

The buggy is available in 3 colors. Black, Berry or Marine. We opted for the Marine. I was a bit gutted it wasn’t available in my beloved Nautical but am slowly coming to terms with it.

 

For all of you wanting the nitty gritty on the buggy, here it is:

age range 0 – 5 years
maximum load SINGLE: 25 kg / 55 lbs
DOUBLE: 20 kg / 44 lbs (per seat)
product weight SINGLE: 13kg / 28.7lbs
DOUBLE: 14kg / 30.9lbs
handlebar height 80 – 124 cm / 31.4″ – 48.8″

 

 

Additional accessories you can use with the +one are the Mesh & Storm covers, the new travel bag, the carry cot plus and many more items such as the sleeping bag and freerider stroller board

Whenever we purchase a buggy we also purchase the different weather covers because its something you’re always going to use. We also opted for a maintenance kit this time around and I am so glad we did. It comes with maintenance essentials which help you get the most out of your buggy and comes in a convenient compact roll up bag for easy storage on the go – we keep ours in the boot of the car.

Here is a picture of what it includes:

 

 

For only $40, you’d be silly not to and it’s an absolute lifesaver (pump and all).

I think what I love most is that both kids are happy and comfortable, at first Baxter preferred being in the front but quite often now he wants to sit in the back. I love that they have an option (like calling shotgun) and from time to time when Lily has been sleepy, we’ve put her in the back and she’s fallen asleep.

Overall, I am really impressed with how easy the buggy is to push and manoeuvre given the fact there are two children in it and I also love the fact that when Baxter becomes too big for a pram we can simply swap it back to be a full-time single seat buggy.

Mountain Buggy continue to impress me with the innovative new products they bring out and how helpful their customer service staff are when it comes to answering questions, ordering accessories or replacement parts (which I’ve never had to do but I love the fact you can).

With the recent sad news of Greg Boyed’s passing I feel compelled to reach out.

Today, the chief coroner released The Mental Health Foundation’s provisional suicide statistics for the year July 2017-June 2018. Devastatingly, New Zealand’s suicide rate has increased to the highest it has been this century.

Since the sad news I’ve seen so many Facebook posts from people offering a listening ear or a caring shoulder for those in need. While I love seeing this type of support, from complete strangers, I can’t help but feel a little sad that it takes an event like this for people to offer support. While news like this always reminds us to reach out, I wish people knew all year round that our doors are open and our jugs are boiling ready for a cup of tea and a chat. Sometimes you don’t even want to talk, you just want to be in somebody’s company.

To see a public figure, someone who is seen as successful, somebody who ‘has it all’ clearly proves that material objects are exactly that – material objects. Money, fame and processions do not make a person happy.

It is such a taboo topic. One which people are afraid to talk about out of fear of judgment. It truly breaks my heart. There are so many people out there suffering in silence because depression and anxiety has somehow been dubbed something that ‘we don’t talk about’. Why? It’s far more common than we realize and if we were to talk about it more then I feel those struggling would feel far more supported. So many people are scared to open up and talk to somebody about how they truly feel and have that ‘I don’t need/want to be on medication’ mentality.

You know, it’s normally the ones who are the most ‘out there’ who suffer in silence? They put up this front to make themselves feel better, so people don’t ask ‘are you okay?’. This probably isn’t the case for all but I know it rings true for me. I know if somebody asked me that right now it’s highly likely I would burst into tears because no, I am not OK. And it is OK to say that.

Some days I feel great, other days that dark black cloud hovers over my head. Those who have ever experienced or struggled with mental illness simply don’t understand and adopt the attitude ‘cheer up’, ‘it’s not that bad’ & ‘tomorrow is a new day’. While there are positive coping mechanisms that have been known to work or at least assist. Somebody telling you to ‘snap out of it’ certainly isn’t one.

I’ve struggled with mental health issues for a large majority of my life so one of my biggest concerns when I became pregnant was the high risk of PND. My GP and midwife were well aware of my medical history so knew what to look out for as well as educating me.

For a while there I thought I was fine, that I had somehow managed to side-track the issues that for a long time consumed me. I hadn’t. Two weeks passed after Baxter’s birth and my partner was due back at work, it hit me like a freight train. Feelings of anxiety and worry flooded me.

It took me a while to gain the courage to admit I knew what was going on and go and speak to my GP, deep down I knew the day would come, she was super supportive and we talked through our options.

I started to get control back, things became manageable. But I feel myself slipping again. I knew that it was highly likely I would experience PND again with Lily. Did it ever really go away? How long does it last and when does PND become depression?

These days my PND/Depression/Anxiety masks itself in anger, a symptom many are not aware of. Sadly it hinders my relationships with people from time to time and if I am being totally open, my partner takes the brunt of it. People who haven’t experienced it or been close to somebody who has simply don’t understand and often respond with “just stop” or “stop getting so mad”. I would love to be that in control of my feelings but right now, I am not. Half of the time my reactions are so unreasonable but I simply don’t see it at the time. God, I thought I had no patience when I was pregnant but this is next level.

I know that these current feelings are not me, and while I know they’re not permanent, it’s hard to deal with right now.

If you’ve never struggled with mental health you may not understand where I’m coming from, you may not understand that you can have one really shitty day within a month of amazing days and all these old shitty memories/feelings flood back.

I am not going to sit here and feel sorry for myself, nor do I want you to feel sorry for me. I just wanted to share that it’s not all gummy smiles and rainbows. If you’re having a shitty day, it’s okay, you’re not alone.

Social media has heightened the awareness of what’s around us, obviously – and I believe it plays a big part in some of the negative feelings people experience. We see those beautiful curated squares on Instagram and find ourselves comparing how their life is different to ours, how are they looking so beautiful and refreshed after I barely got 2 hours uninterrupted sleep last night? How on earth do they manage to find time to keep their house so perfectly clean and organized? How did their body snap back so quickly after giving birth. It’s everywhere. What we often don’t think about is that these people are not necessarily happy. We only see what they choose to share, many do not share the messy corner of their house or how little they slept last night.

More often than not, we are our own worst enemies.

The dark truth is that if we don’t start talking about mental health now and more openly, the alarming rate of suicide and the prevalence of untreated mental illness will reach crisis point – in fact, I believe it already has.

Please, if you’re ever struggling, with anything or having bad thoughts – talk to somebody. You can talk to me, PM me day or night or call one of the numbers below. It is often easier to confide in a stranger.

It’s so much more common than you realise and we can all play a small part in trying to normalise it in some small way by talking about it openly. There is nothing wrong with feeling this way, but there is a way out.

Please know that no matter how bad things feel, there is always help available. Taking your life is NOT the answer and please take a moment to think about all of those loved ones you would leave behind.

Talking about things is the first step. Realising it’s okay to not be okay if the next.

You are amazing and you hold a special place in this world.

——-

https://depression.org.nz | call 0800 111 757 or text 4202

www.mentalhealth.org.nz | text 1737 any time for support from a trained counsellor.

Lifeline – 0800 543 354 or (09) 522 2999

Youthline – 0800 376 633

Samaritans – 0800 726 666

https://www.mentalhealth.org.nz/get-help/in-crisis/

Gosh, that heading leaves a lot to the imagination doesn’t it.

I’ve written about my experience as being a stay at home mum back in November 2015, 3 months after Baxter was born. It wasn’t for me as horrible as that sounds. I wasn’t coping and I missed the adult interaction. I loved my child to bits but it really wasn’t healthy for me. Baxter ended up coming to work with my until he was 8 months old and then we made the decision that Reuben would stay home. It was an adjustment for all but Reuben really loved (and still loves) being a stay at Dad. It’s a conversation thats for sure and I feel like I am judged a lot because our situation may not be the norm but it works for us.

Being a stay at home Mum is tough, people often what you do and assume its an easy role. It’s not, I may have only done it for a short period of time but I know how tough it can be. How the days can feel so long and lonely.

Being a working Mum is really tough too I tell you. I think some people think (and joke) that I get to leave in the morning and just walk away from the drama and work almost acts as a hiding place. While some days, the break may be nice – I miss them all like crazy. I know what I am doing and I know the reasons behind why I am doing it. I know that by being at work I am able to provide a better future for my family but it doesn’t make the decision any easier. Last night Baxter ended up in our bed and Reuben went and slept in his bed, it’s not something that we make a habit of but he generally only does it when he is unwell. I woke up about 1am to him vomiting through our bed – goodie. He was sick again a few hours later.

Getting up in the morning was not only difficult because I was tired but it was tugging my heart strings because I knew I had to leave him when he was feeling his worst. I knew that all he wanted was me and that I couldn’t be there because I had meetings I really needed to be at. While I knew that he would have been fine with Reuben, it still ate away at me all morning. I kept messaging Reuben for updates and couldn’t wait to get home to him.

As a Mother you’re going to get judged no matter what you do. Whether you stay at home, go to work, put your kid in daycare or feed them with a bottle. Do you know what though? Every single decision you make it tough, cos being a parent is tough.

I find being a Mum who cares about her job and career is often skoffed at, like I value that more my children – bullshit. I just have a strong desire to do well and I am bloody good at what I do. Being out each and every day working my ass off actually makes me a better Mum. Now please don’t look into this and assume that if you’re a stay at home that you don’t care – that is not the case at all and I honestly, whole-heartedly take a bow to you because I couldn’t do it. Some don’t have the choice and that breaks my heart too.

Coming home each night at the end of a long stressful day only to have 1 hour with your kids before they need to go to bed is tough.

Today I really struggled, today I felt like I failed as a Mum. Seeing your kid/s is one of the most difficult things as all you want to do is help to fix them but 9/10 you can’t and it hurts.

Every Mum is walking a different path, struggling in different ways. Lets ease up on the assumptions and just be kind x

‘Becoming Mum’ is a journey that’s been an exciting and scary one for sure.

I never imaged myself as a Mum, it’s something I never thought I would be.

At times I struggled to look after myself, how on earth was I going to care for another small human being?

I was so scared leaving the hospital with this new little baby who was completely dependant on me. When Reuben and I got in the car at the hospital car park (away from both of our parents), I burst into tears. I was emotionally and physically drained + shit scared about what was to come. I haven’t been around a lot of babies so can honestly say, I had NO idea what I was doing.

If I only I knew how much things would really change when this little life entered my world.

I had so much advice thrown at me while I was pregnant, while some of it was pretty good, the rest of it was pretty shit.

A good friend told me ‘you find out who your true friends are when you have a baby’. There is SO much truth in this but when she told me at the time I thought, really? Fuck yes. Since becoming a Mum, I have come to realise its better to have a small amount of really good, close friends than a bunch of people you barely hear from. Some of my friends who I considered close haven’t even met my kids. I am OK with this, I’ve come to realise who my true friends really are based on their actions throughout my pregnancies and the birth of Baxter and Lily.

I guess a big thing for me that has changed is that, I used to be that somewhat cautious friend. I didn’t have a baby so I didn’t realise how much you’re life was turned upside down, especially in those first few weeks. I didn’t want to be that clingy friend while they were extremely sleep deprived but I also didn’t want to disappear of the radar and leave them wondering why. As somebody who has now been on both sides, the advice I can offer is just be there, send a text every now and then so they know you’re thinking of them, offer support where possible and understand that they’re probably tired as hell and won’t respond straight away or always be up for visitors. Know that they appreciate the invite out even if they can’t make it, it’s the thought that counts. Going out with a newborn is tough, being on time is a thing of the past and quickly ‘popping out’ is no longer possible.

Patience, what patience? I seem to have lost it in the delivery room alongside my dignity. I have the lowest tolerance for bullshit these days, from dramatic friends to opinionated people online (ironic as I am one of them). I have so much more to worry about these days, and have just found I simply can’t be bothered with trivial things that are of such low importance to me. Don’t get me wrong, I have so much patience when it comes to my son, I just seem to have lost it for everybody else and I think I put that down to the fact that my life is so devoted to him right now.

I could have never prepared for how much I could love another being, how much energy I would devote to them, how much I would worry, protect and second guess my parenting decisions.

I’ve grown closer to my family, they’ve been amazing and I love seeing them with the kids. I’ve gained some amazing new mummy friends through the internet and have also reconnected with some old friends who now have kids.

Being a parent is fucking hard; I am not going to lie. If you disagree, you must have a dream baby and I extremely envious. Don’t get me wrong, I love my son to bits but nobody could have prepared me for what these first few weeks would be like.

I waddled more after having my son that I did the weeks leading up to the birth, I have been milked by another human and I’ve had more hands in me than the pick & mix lolly bin at the local supermarket. We lived in the lounge for the first 2 weeks and it’s a good day if I manage to eat a proper breakfast; Tim Tams are nutritional, right? I had 5-minute showers every 2nd day if I’m lucky and my hair has been in a scraggly mum bun for about 3 years now.

When people told me being a parent is the most rewarding yet hardest job ever, boy were they right! I now have so much more respect and love for my own parents knowing what they went through with (although I would have been one of those dream babies we spoke about earlier).

No two days are the same and each and every day I am learning something new.

The thing that fucks you most is the sleep deprivation, the first two weeks were horrible (for us anyway) and I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. Things seem to be on the up now that we have somewhat of a routine in place and are starting to get the hang of this whole parenting thing.

What upsets me the most about being a parent is how judgmental other people can be, who in turn make you question every parenting decision you’ve made to date. Breastfeeding was a horrible experience for me and I constantly feel like I’ve made a poor decision to formula feed my child due to all the ‘breast is best’ propaganda. You would think somebody; somewhere claims commission every time a child latches. Breastfeeding doesn’t work for everybody, for whatever reason. You don’t know their reasoning, and you don’t need too. 8 weeks in and I was still nervous about pulling out a bottle in public, it’s sad that society has made us feel this way. I constantly sit and wonder if I should have persevered through the tears, the blood and the sleepless nights, all so I wouldn’t feel guilty and question myself. You know what? That sucks and people shouldn’t feel this way. If you are successfully breastfeeding your child, I applaud you.

I hear about people being judged over trivial, and personal decisions. Where their baby sleeps, the use of a dummy, what they choose to share on social media, the list goes on. It’s tough being a parent and it’s only now that I am one, I feel like I can truly comment.

At times I miss aspects of my old life but I wouldn’t go back. I am not the same person anymore, I am a better person.

Life changes so much and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

What’s changed for you?