I realized something tonight. Something that made me a little sad to admit.
I don’t really have many friends.
I was always the outsider, going against the grain. Bailing on events and occasions because I had been consumed by anxiety.
I lived on my own for over 5 years after an incredibly messy breakup – something I seem to blame a lot for.
I couldn’t disappoint anybody, and everything was on me. I only had myself to worry about.
I’m 32 years old and can safely say I have less than 5 people I could call on and they’d be there. While I know numbers don’t matter, I can’t help but feel sad. We live in this online world where everything is on show.
People have come and gone over the years, was this because of me? Did our lives just grow in different directions? Did they get what they needed from our friendship?
I get sad when I scroll my feed and see all the big groups of friends who have been together through it all. They got pregnant together, they plan their weddings together, their children grow up together – they even travel together. The constant feed that is social media is playing with my mind, telling me there is something wrong with me because I don’t have this.
I never went to a school formal, I got early exemption from the ministry of education to leave school when I was 15 and I’ve worked full-time ever since.
It probably makes me sound like a huge loser, and maybe I am? On reflection, it could seem petty – like is this all I am worried about? Do I not think my current friends are good enough? Not the case at all. I love the insanely small circle I have but can’t help but wonder if maybe I’ve pushed others away? There are people I once considered really good friends who have never even met my children yet continue to engage online like we’re still the best of friends.
Have I been so focused on my career that I’ve never bothered to really value a friendship in order for it to last? Am I a bad friend?
Has working in the online space for so long made me not able to function properly in real-world situations which has then hindered my ability to form normal relationships?
Has motherhood made me more lonely than ever before?
Please tell me I am not the only one that constantly feels like a loner.